Campin'

Warning: Inside jokes ahead. They're probably only funny when box wine is involved, and maybe not even then. But who would know?

CAMPIN'
A Jujubes for Jesus™ How-To Guide

First, find an open road. Put them car wheels on it.

A possibly stolen talisman is essential for highway safety. Give it a common name to avoid suspicion.


Take your time. Enjoy the scenery, sample the bounty of the roadside stands.


When you reach your destination, spend a while appreciating nature's burbling.


Let your mind become peaceful, and your body numb.


Become one with the trees.




Stop and say hello to your many-legged friends.




Do not stray from the clearly marked trail.

Record your greatest hits album. Having prior hits is not required.

Stroll on back to your campsite. Play a little tune, light a little fire.

[Musical Interlude]

Wake up slightly worse for wear. Ask yourself what happened.

Consult the Semiotician to the Stars for answers. She'll want to confirm that you brought along all the outdoor essentials:

remote-controlled latern . . . check.

plastic mallet . . . check.

pedicure . . . check.

the naughty . . . check.

Decide not to sweat it. Observe your fellow campers at rest.

the tent mahal

it's for his own good

Turn and see the woodland creatures scatter. Consider the carnage.


Finally, remember this: If it starts with Franzia, it ends with smiles. Or something like them.

And if the good lord doesn't smite you down soon, the neighbors will.

kathmandon't, b.w. slim, h. mcgraw, a.m. johnson, the fiddler, ladyboy, magic hands.
not pictured: penelope.

Leave the woods as pristine and unscathed as you found them.