Sumimasen

Today was a day of cultural learning.

In other words, I made some mistakes. But they were funny, or at least I thought they were, and there isn't much a "Sumimasen" can't fix.

This handy word means "pardon me" (may I get by?), "pardon me" (for the grevious offense of handing you money for this purchase), "pardon me" (for the grevious offense of accepting your money), "please," "I'm sorry," "you're welcome," and some variation on "hello" and "goodbye."

I've witnessed entire conversations consisting only of "Sumimasen" repeated endlessly in different tones. If one sumimasen doesn't work, try a dozen.

Please benefit from my clumsiness by taking note of these tips on getting by as a gaijin in Kyoto. Like the garden display we saw at Ginkakuji labeled Very Important Moss (VIM), these are Very Important Lessons (VIL).

1. Do not write anything down with a pen in a museum.
When visiting the Kyoto National Museum of Modern Art, you will be handed a list of all the paintings you're about to view. If you're the note-taking type, you're likely to pull out a pen and start writing things down on the list about the paintings you like.

Soon, you'll become aware of the eyes. The watching eyes. The eyes of the lady gallery guards.

As you stand contemplating one of the works, try not to jump out of your skin when the guard on duty—motionless just moments before—leaps from her chair and points frantically at your pen. "Pen!" she'll exclaim, followed by a stream of Japanese.

Thinking she wants to borrow your pen, offer it to her. She will vehemently refuse. "Wait! A minute. Here," she'll say, then sprint across the gallery at Olympic speed.

Soon, the guard will return, with pleading eyes. She will offer you a pencil. Accept the pencil. Discreetly tuck your pen away and pretend it never existed.

Assure the guard that you will return the pencil to the front desk at the conclusion of your visit, because you're pretty sure that's what all the gesturing means. Say, "Sumimasen." Say it again. Smile. Nod. Bow. Smile. Nod. Bow.

Note that you are the only person in the gallery at this time, and all the paintings are behind glass.

2. Do not go out the In door.
There is an In door, and there is an Out door. They are not the same door. The friendly attendant at the information desk will direct you—manually, if needed—toward the appropriate door. Say, "Sumimasen." Nod. Smile. Laugh self-deprecatingly. Exit through the Out door.

3. There's something very important printed on the bottom of that mochi.
Don't be fooled by the fact that the mochi you wish to buy is wrapped in plastic, sealed, and sitting on the same plate as all the other mochi. Don't be fooled just because there's a sign in front of the plate that says Y105.

When the saleswoman turns the mochi over, points to something on the printed tag, asks several rapid-fire questions you don't understand, then waits expectantly for your answers—say, "Sumimasen." Nod. Smile. Repeat until she shrugs and rings up the purchase, which comes to Y105.

She will then release your mochi. Unwrap and enjoy.